Pregnant Pauses

so what
so what
another egg down
the tubes
down the fallopian
down the porcelain
(in) convenience
into the sewer
gone from me

half my genetic code
my r n a
dna
back into the swirl

what am i waiting for
that surprisingly male image
of a lightning bolt

the split of my legs
the strike of the one
the one
the one out of millions
of sperm

assault on my
tough little egg
the division of cells as
genetic codes
zip carefully onto
one another
2......4......8
16......32......64
128......256......whence the human?

the gamete
the zygote
penetrating my womb wall
blood rich
blood soft
blood not wasted - for once

the unification of my body
the culmination of the systems
for their designed purpose
optimal performance
ducts glands
flexing curling
like the child's toes
flexing puckering
like the child's mouth

my happiness
my sadness and the child
thrashes in concert
swimming in the
humours of my body
bile choler blood
rage sorrow sanguine

the lucence of my skin
transposed with the moon opacity
of my veins
my navel popping
a planet within a planet
and a world inside that...
seismic rumbles in me
a yawn a hiccup a belch

a boxer with my stomach
a soccer player with my bladder
the timpani of my belly drum
stretched taut and resonant
the skin stretched
oh how i itch

the kick inside and i dream
of hair floating and eyes frosted
stubby lashes
articulated fingers
the nostrils and ears
the active mouth the belly tooching
like mine
the soft smooth knees and untrod feet
though we've traveled together
leagues and leagues
floating
a world
a mind
floating

in
me

the terror
the fear
settles in like a dark grey bird
brooding waiting
in here I can control...
...out there...
all the things that I ever did
that others ever did
the possibility
the limitless chances
the risks
this child seems the riskiest
of all chances

unzipping genetic codes...
what were we thinking?
why weren't we thinking?
why didn't somebody stop us?
This huge chance we're taking
this child
this child...

once its out
how will it know me
how will it know its me
its me its me

that we love it will love it

when it squalls
when it cries
when it won't eat
when it sucks me dry
when it demands
when it shits all over the hundred
dollar changing table and the heirloom
quilt or pees down the front of me
right before I leave
will I leave?

will I
will I need a break
will I get tired of sore nipples and drool
and spit up gumming up my watchband
will I beg to leave

or will I stay and watch
the creases
in the child's brain multiply; fold and
fold and
fold
everything learning
everything absorbing

will I speak french again
or spanish or german
pass along language in my milk
syntax and grammar folding into the child's mind
the still-open cranium
dilating like a flower with pleasure
with knowledge
with tiny smooth dreams of a breast world
in a clean soft cotton cradle
done up in jumpers and wash cloths

and above, we two wait, and watch,
the steady thump-bump dactyl
of our twin hearts, his and mine, beating
beating
beating
twin pulsars
the morse code of love
of care
of duty
of obligation
of joy
of the snares of love
the snares
the snare drums

the happy march of time
unfolding in diorama before us
before us in tiny tiny miniature
in huge pressing macro

the world swings on a word and I see
us from the outside folding
down on one another
becoming a triple white dwarf star
all the light shines inward - or does it?
Or are we only two
folding in
like Japanese cosmic origami

and pushing out with equal
or greater force
is the new life
radiating out
out
out
pushing us
pulling us as we stand in awe
at our pressurized creation
a phoenix
a diamond
a star
exploding with life and
chemical reactions
that miracle
that child

my child
his child
our child
our joy
our lives
plaited together on the double helical stairs
of this child's dna and r n a
half mine
half his

but
yet

not mine
not his
not a miniature anyone

all child
all
all
itself

childself

by Johnise Molloy